I want to preface this blog post with this: this is me getting up in the middle of the night because I am being told to go and write. I have no clue as to what is going to come out, but tonight this is what came through. This is a very candid look at a conversation I am having with my God trying to get clarity and understanding of the crazy journey I am in the middle of at the moment. To be 100% honest, it does not make complete sense yet to me, but I know at some point it will. I am telling you all of this to say: when reading this, read with an open mind, because something may be revealed to you as well. Be blessed and try to live in peace!
God I am hearing you loud and clear at this moment, "get up, go write, and listen to My voice." So God I am doing as you requested, what is it that I am missing at the moment? Today was a good day; I was so busy dealing with getting ready for the trip that I really did not have time to stop and think or over analyze this crazy, surreal situation that has engulfed our life at the moment. It was really strange today, out running around, I did not think about what seems to be consuming me right now. But God why am I letting this whole situation consume me? Why am I unable to pinpoint my emotions? Why do I feel like I am moving in slow motion? Why does everything seem so foggy, so cloudy, so I don't know, surreal, I guess is the best word? Help me understand. Truly God at this moment, I am begging and pleading to understand why this is overtaking me. While You are helping me to figure that out, why don't you also answer this: it seems like every time we finally get to this place with her, saying we are done, she is causing too much chaos and havoc in our lives, bam, something terrible happens and she is forced, and yes I mean forced, back into our lives. I don't get this. As a matter of fact God, if I am being honest and frank, this pisses me off beyond belief. I hate that she keeps getting forced back into our lives. She has ruined so many peoples' lives, hurt countless numbers of people, and even almost destroyed my relationship, but yet the moment we finally have the strength to say good-bye we are done, it is a fluke, it is a joke, it is, what, what is the word, I don't know anymore…I am sick of it…I want her out of her lives. I cannot bear to watch someone try over and over to end their life, and every fucking time they are spared, but yet don't get that obviously they have a purpose in life, have a reason to still be alive. We understand quite well, loud and clear as a matter of fact, someone cannot be helped unless they are willing to help themselves, and time and again she has shown she is not willing to help herself…so why do we keep having her forced back into our lives when she is not willing to take the necessary actions to do the things she needs to do to get to where she needs to be? Help me understand this God…right now my emotions range from anger to sadness, to frustration, to helplessness, to what the fuck, to I don't know.
God, it has always been said to just be frank when talking to you, so this is what I am doing and I am sure as hell hoping that in some form or fashion I get an answer from you. These wars in my mind, I am tired, absolutely tired of battling. I finally begin to make some huge leaps forward in accepting myself, seeing myself as beautiful, as it is ok to set boundaries, it is okay to let people go, it is ok to say no, it is okay to know that I am doing the right thing, it is ok to move on in life, but for some God forsaken reason I feel like there continues to be these slaps in my face that says, so you think you are so bad and big because you are feeling okay about letting go, well try this on for size sucker…what the fuck? Help me understand what this is about…I am begging for clarity at the moment. I am trying my damnest to live a life that I am proud of, to live a life of love, peace, and happiness, but yet all this drama keeps happening. I do not want to be in the drama anymore, get me out, show me how to let it go, whatever, just take it away. I want harmony around me, this negativity shit has to go. I know by asking and saying this I am almost asking for trouble, but God, in all honesty, at this point I am willing to take whatever steps are necessary to live the life You have planned for me. I am tired of struggling to breath everyday, I am tired of struggling to keep my head above water, I am tired of dog paddling, I want to swim, and not look back.
I decided to begin a journey some time ago because I want the next 30 years of my life to be incredible, not only do I want them to be incredible, I want to be able to do things that no one ever thought I would be able to do. I want to make a difference, I want to change lives, I want to leave an incredibly footprint in this world. I do not want to go through the next 30 years of my life being a nobody. I want to go through the next 30 years of my life being a somebody, a somebody that when I pass on, people will say, look at what she did to change lives, look at what she did because she had faith, look at what she did because she believed, look at what she did because she allowed God to lead her to the places that she was supposed to go. I also want to stay humble in the many things that I am supposed to accomplish…don't allow me to gain a large head and think I am above everyone else because I am not. I am a simple person who is willing to step out and do what has to be done to make the simplest of changes for people all around me. I have seen enough crap in my first 30 years that a lot of people never see or they are way beyond my age to see. I don't want to forget where I came from, I want to just be able to look at it and say, wow that is why I am doing what I am doing today and wow this is why I am the incredible, strong, and beautiful woman I am today.
At this moment God, I cannot help but praise you, glorify you, lift you up, shout thank you, shout hallelujah. You are the reason I am alive today…there are way too many times I should not have lived, but obviously I had not done all that was required of me. God if you keep forcing her back into our lives, so I can see that yes that could be me too; then I appreciate it and accept that. I don't want to get to a place where I cannot see that I have purpose and I have a mission to fulfill and until this is done, my work here on earth is not finished. I truly look forward to the day that I get to walk those golden roads, see the mansion You have prepared for me, and dance for My King in a way that I have never danced before. I know one day God, You are going to put me back into praise dancing and dancing for you, but honestly I look most forward to the day I get to dance for you in person.
I do not understand where this letter is going, I don't understand why it started out where it did, why it threaded to where it did, but I know I will understand at some point and I am okay with this. God at this point I just truly want to ask that You continue to light my path, continue to lead me down the road that I am supposed to travel upon, because I know by taking this first step in faith, what is supposed to lie ahead is there waiting for me and I look forward to the journey that is truly about to begin…
