Journey of Change

So I know it has been awhile since I have truly shared anything, but it is because I have been in this place of change. You have to understand, change is a very scary and difficult journey for me because I have never been one to embrace it, as a matter of fact, I have been the one who has ran the furthest from it. However, since I entered this point of my life, the point that I said the journey has to begin to turn, because I want the next 30 years of my life to be incredible, I have had to embrace a journey of change.

I am incredibly proud of myself right this moment because I took control over my life, my actions, and my reactions.

I have stood up, I am not carrying others, and I am taking power over my life. Due to this I am empowered.

I have resigned from a position that had become incredibly toxic for me. I loved who I served, but the office I am required to be in is so full of toxicities and negativity that it began to affect my health again. When this journey commenced I made a promise to myself that my health would be a priority, so the environment wants to tear it apart, I have to make the decision to say bye-bye, see you later…and that is what I have done. In the midst of me making the decision to resign and the reason it is a huge deal for me is because I took power, stood up to a male authority figure and said I am not going to take your crap anymore. A part of this is healing for me because the male authority figure in my life as a child, my father, was controlling, domineering, and horrible, but he intimidated me so much to the point that I lived up until now not being able to stand up to men in these kinds of positions. Well now, I am proud to say that I can and I will.

I am also proud of myself because I have chosen to not run…you see when things would get hard for me, I would just run, and run, and run, until I was out of danger. Things are incredibly hard at work now because I now know the truth about several people I work with and yet I have decided to face it head on, head up, and chin out. Exciting for me and a lesson.

Within all of this I have learned many lessons as well and I may write about those at some other point. However, the largest change is about to come for me. I have the official word that I am a graduate student at UTA. I will be attending there by myself. I will have no security blankets, only myself. This is a huge journey for me, but very exciting. I am the first person in 2 generations to go to college and the first woman to go to college in my family and now I am pursuing graduate work. This is absolutely amazing and blows my mind. I cannot help but be proud of myself and I have every right to be and every right to smile even bigger now because my journey is going further than I ever imagined it would go…

Be blessed!

FOR TODAY...

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Outside my window...

Is a beautiful tree standing tall and proud.

Sun is shining so brightly, one cannot help but think of spring and how things undergo metamorphosis during this time of year.

I am thinking...

Of all the changes I have begun to make in my life and incredible it feels to have complete control and power over an undesirable situation in my life.

I am thankful for...

A God who never gave up on me and has showed me unconditional love even when I am so undeserving.

A beautiful wife who has also showed me unconditional love and support for the last eight years.

Beautiful friendships that have evolved and changed, including the ones who are no longer a part of my life because they have taught me so many important lessons along the way as well.

From the kitchen...

We have not done much cooking lately, but am grateful for the fun recipes I have to share with friends.

I am wearing...

A new dress with a black, gray, pink, green, and yellow peacock feather design, a green ¾ length sleeve sweater, and black gladiator sandals. I also have on black earring, a black crystal cross, my beloved wedding ring set, and my late grandmothers wedding ring.

I am creating...

A new life for myself.

I am going...

On a much needed 2 week vacation at the end of May with my wonderful wife and roommate.

I am reading...

The Source of My Strength (unsure of who the author is)

I am hoping...

That by following the plans that have been laid out for me I will find what has been willed for my life and true happiness.

I am hearing...

Fingers typing on keyboards, uplifting music, birds, and voices down the hall.

Around the house...

My backyard is becoming a haven and paradise thanks to all the hard work of my wife and our roommate. Our pond has been cleared out, we have plants in it, plants around it, begun our vegetable garden again, added chairs to actually sit outside and enjoy the beautiful weather!

One of my favorite things...

I love school and am looking forward to getting word on rather or not I am in the graduate program that I have applied to.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

Class tonight after work, luncheon for a committee meeting here at work, more work, and homework!

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

A picture of one of the most beautiful and wonderful people who has come into my life, my wife Laura!

Just to let you know...

I have had to step back from my blogging for a few weeks because I have to take into consideration who has access to viewing my blog and right now is not the right time to blog them. They are sitting in wait though until I am able to. Everyone will understand once the blogs come up. I miss laying everything out here, but I have not stopped writing, just put posting on hiatus for now! I probably will have a post with an announcement by the end of the week up. Continued to be blessed and I look forward to sharing with everyone what is going on very soon!

Journey to Authenticity

 

Let me start out by saying this is probably the largest journey for me, find my authentic self, but not just finding it, living it.

This simply started by me being able to say simple words to most people. This is my reality, this was my reality, but my reality has to change a lot. The reason it has to change is to fulfill my long-term goals. I just finished reading an incredible book, Emotional Bullshit, damn that book hit hard in certain places, but I am willing to put to use its tactics because I do not want to live in Emotional Bullshit anymore and I do not want to validate anyone else's emotional bullshit, period.

You may be wondering how this will happen. I will be changing my communication style and I will learn to confront my fears, especially the fear of confrontation. I cannot and I will not be walked all over. I see how at my job I am so exploited, but I also see how I have validated it, and allowed it to continue. Boy oh boy, aren't some people at work about to get a different René.

No more keep masks in pockets, within easy reach to simply switch out whenever I need to be who someone wants me to be. It is time for Rene to be real; it is time for Rene to be who she really is. No more chameleon, no more hiding, no more avoidance. I am coming out but coming out with power. I want to be authentic; I do not want to be something I am not. I am validating myself and not allowing others to tell me who I am, who I should be, how I should act, etc. I am a grown woman turning 30 in July. Yes, I have been an adult for far too long. Yes, I lost my childhood. Yes, I have an incompetent mother who is only at a 5^th grade level, but she did do the best she could do with what she knew. Yes, I have a father who is an alcoholic, abusive, horrible man. However, my past has shaped who I am for a reason and for a purpose. Now it is time to go forward with my history and change history.

I am beautiful, strong, resilient, capable, loving, respectable, respectful, important woman who has many VOICES to share with this world. I hope this world is ready for what is about to come. It is time for change and I want to be a force behind that change. I will be a force behind that change. My education is only strengthening me and it is even giving me a sharper sword to fight with, but my education is not only for myself, but it is for all of those out there who need to know they can change their history, their course, their path, their journey. All they need are a few tools, a VOICE, willingness, and readiness.

World here I come…

Peace and blessings!