Interesting Place At the Moment

(Not really able to see due to some health issues right now, so forgive me if there are some mistakes!)

So I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything but I have been in an interesting place in my life. I truly believe and know (as it was prophesied too) that God placed me in a cave spiritually because there were several things He need to do with me and I needed to be in a place where I had no choice but to listen. Might I say I am in such a different and unique place now than I was prior to being put in the cave. He has spoken to me in ways that are unimaginable, unbelievable, and incredible. Through this I am now getting back on track to doing what He has called me to do in my life. I am accepting my calling and no longer running from it and I am embracing my calling.

I have come to realize that He placed me in graduate school as a stepping stone to where He is taking me. I am truly thrilled when He begins to show me the visions of the promises He is placing in my life and truly am looking to the day when those promises are filled. It is very interesting right now because I have become ill and this illness has affected my eyesight, but I have to testify that His visions come through even stronger because I am not able to see the world so well. Is this because He wants to me refocus on Him and not be so focused on the world? I have to say it is and I truly accept. Yes there may be a medical reason behind what is going on, but I don't want to dwell on that because spiritually it has provided more for me then ever. Yes there are days I get frustrated because trying to do things I typically do can be more of a challenge but to see what God has shown me that is priceless. Such vivid images, such beautiful images, and such an intimate time I get to have with God.

I am going to do my best to begin with my blogging again because I know that my journey is turning to more of  a spiritual journey and I want to share it with the world. I truly hope you will join me in this journey because it is going to be exciting. I can and will say this, I will not be the same person I am today a year from now...be prepared because I have given myself over to the Potters Hands and I know He has already begun a transformation in me and I know the transformation is going to be absolutely incredibly and absolutely awesome...I am so excited I can barely contain it.

I truly hope to have your support, but I know there are seasons for some people and I will lose some people during this journey and time of transformation, but I am okay with this because it is only a part of my process. I also believe if you will embark on this journey with me that God will do some transformations for you but only if you will allow Him to. Blessings and peace to everyone!

Where I am currently at in my personal journey

So guess what step I am on in this incredible journey I am taking? I am choosing life, I am choosing to live, I am making a conscious effort to know that I am who I am for a reason, even though I am uncovering new parts of me all the time. I am choosing happiness over anger or sadness, I am choosing joy over frustration or depression.

So at this moment here is what I have to say: I am beautiful and no one can tell me anything different. So you say I am ugly? Why? Is it because I chose to love over hate? Oh wait, you are looking at my outside before knowing my inside, but that is okay by me because I know God created me in His image, not yours, not any man or woman's image. I am perfect because this is how He chose to make me. So what if I am not supermodel size 4 or the average American size 14, I am beautiful just the way I am. Are you shocked because I chose not to look like everyone around me? I want to be different, I chose to be different. I love funky haircuts and colors because that is a part of me, that is the part of me that says I can do whatever the fuck I want to do because I am a human being just like you, but I do not have to look just like you or act just like you or dress just like you. I am choosing to be comfortable in my own skin, maybe you should try that on for size. Personally, being comfortable in my own skin has been a journey, but a journey that has been well worth the pain, anguish, discomfort, frustration, anxiety because now I get to see the true beauty I have been hiding behind all this time. We all make choices every day, what are you choosing today?

You can choose to hide your pain and anger in that alcohol or drug, rather it is illegal or legal, that mean substances you ingest and substances you feel that you have to have to make you comfortable, such as shopping, material items, eating in excess, not taking care of yourself, etc. Yeah I know what I am talking about because I use to be one that hid behind multiple masks, but I am making a conscious effort starting right this moment not to live in those masks any more. Masks of self defeat, self destruction, selfishness, material items satisfying and making me who I am, etc.

Choice is a word that keeps coming up throughout this, but exactly what does this mean? Here are some synonyms that might help you understand why I am using this word so much: option, variety, superior, and carefully selected. That is right choices become superior to what else we could have decided to do and choices are carefully selected because we chose how we are going to react to someone else around us. So in closing I say this: choose wisely my friend, because you never know when that choice is going to be there again.

Be blessed, find peace and abundance in your life!

True Friends: Are they out there?

How do I know that you are a true friend? How do I know that you won't be one of the many others who use me up until I am dry & then spit me out? How do I know that I am not going to be a fly by the night friend?

I want true friends in my life, friends that love me as I am, accept me for who I am, and are not embarrassed by me in any way. I desire to be my true self and I do not want to be a chameleon just to keep you by my side. I want to know that if I need you, even though it may be three in the morning, that there will be a voice on the other end to listen to my randomness, ramblings, non-sense, sobs, pain, anger, frustration, whatever it is. I want to know that when you say you are going to do something you do it. Don't leave me hanging…I want consistency…I know you have a life; I know you have other friends, but just reassure me that you are a true friend and not a fraud. I don't expect to talk everyday or to see you once a week, but hell if you are on facebook with me you can at least leave me a little message or even comment on one of my random posts.

I understand I come with a lot of baggage, but I am doing my best to deal with my shit, so please bear with me as I work through my pain, my anguish, my frustrations, my chaos, my dysfunction, my life. I am working towards and taking steps towards a better future, but it is painstakingly slow because there is so much to uncover, so many corners and cracks that need light so what is buried there can be uncovered. However, if you are a true friend then you will allow me the time to deal and work on this, you will also stand by my side and love me even through the pain.

Rest assured that if you show me that you are a true friend, you will have my loyalty and I will do all the things for you that I desire and long for in a friend.

Understanding the present journey…

I want to preface this blog post with this: this is me getting up in the middle of the night because I am being told to go and write. I have no clue as to what is going to come out, but tonight this is what came through. This is a very candid look at a conversation I am having with my God trying to get clarity and understanding of the crazy journey I am in the middle of at the moment. To be 100% honest, it does not make complete sense yet to me, but I know at some point it will. I am telling you all of this to say: when reading this, read with an open mind, because something may be revealed to you as well. Be blessed and try to live in peace!

 

God I am hearing you loud and clear at this moment, "get up, go write, and listen to My voice." So God I am doing as you requested, what is it that I am missing at the moment? Today was a good day; I was so busy dealing with getting ready for the trip that I really did not have time to stop and think or over analyze this crazy, surreal situation that has engulfed our life at the moment. It was really strange today, out running around, I did not think about what seems to be consuming me right now. But God why am I letting this whole situation consume me? Why am I unable to pinpoint my emotions? Why do I feel like I am moving in slow motion? Why does everything seem so foggy, so cloudy, so I don't know, surreal, I guess is the best word? Help me understand. Truly God at this moment, I am begging and pleading to understand why this is overtaking me. While You are helping me to figure that out, why don't you also answer this: it seems like every time we finally get to this place with her, saying we are done, she is causing too much chaos and havoc in our lives, bam, something terrible happens and she is forced, and yes I mean forced, back into our lives. I don't get this. As a matter of fact God, if I am being honest and frank, this pisses me off beyond belief. I hate that she keeps getting forced back into our lives. She has ruined so many peoples' lives, hurt countless numbers of people, and even almost destroyed my relationship, but yet the moment we finally have the strength to say good-bye we are done, it is a fluke, it is a joke, it is, what, what is the word, I don't know anymore…I am sick of it…I want her out of her lives. I cannot bear to watch someone try over and over to end their life, and every fucking time they are spared, but yet don't get that obviously they have a purpose in life, have a reason to still be alive. We understand quite well, loud and clear as a matter of fact, someone cannot be helped unless they are willing to help themselves, and time and again she has shown she is not willing to help herself…so why do we keep having her forced back into our lives when she is not willing to take the necessary actions to do the things she needs to do to get to where she needs to be? Help me understand this God…right now my emotions range from anger to sadness, to frustration, to helplessness, to what the fuck, to I don't know.

God, it has always been said to just be frank when talking to you, so this is what I am doing and I am sure as hell hoping that in some form or fashion I get an answer from you. These wars in my mind, I am tired, absolutely tired of battling. I finally begin to make some huge leaps forward in accepting myself, seeing myself as beautiful, as it is ok to set boundaries, it is okay to let people go, it is ok to say no, it is okay to know that I am doing the right thing, it is ok to move on in life, but for some God forsaken reason I feel like there continues to be these slaps in my face that says, so you think you are so bad and big because you are feeling okay about letting go, well try this on for size sucker…what the fuck? Help me understand what this is about…I am begging for clarity at the moment. I am trying my damnest to live a life that I am proud of, to live a life of love, peace, and happiness, but yet all this drama keeps happening. I do not want to be in the drama anymore, get me out, show me how to let it go, whatever, just take it away. I want harmony around me, this negativity shit has to go. I know by asking and saying this I am almost asking for trouble, but God, in all honesty, at this point I am willing to take whatever steps are necessary to live the life You have planned for me. I am tired of struggling to breath everyday, I am tired of struggling to keep my head above water, I am tired of dog paddling, I want to swim, and not look back.

I decided to begin a journey some time ago because I want the next 30 years of my life to be incredible, not only do I want them to be incredible, I want to be able to do things that no one ever thought I would be able to do. I want to make a difference, I want to change lives, I want to leave an incredibly footprint in this world. I do not want to go through the next 30 years of my life being a nobody. I want to go through the next 30 years of my life being a somebody, a somebody that when I pass on, people will say, look at what she did to change lives, look at what she did because she had faith, look at what she did because she believed, look at what she did because she allowed God to lead her to the places that she was supposed to go. I also want to stay humble in the many things that I am supposed to accomplish…don't allow me to gain a large head and think I am above everyone else because I am not. I am a simple person who is willing to step out and do what has to be done to make the simplest of changes for people all around me. I have seen enough crap in my first 30 years that a lot of people never see or they are way beyond my age to see. I don't want to forget where I came from, I want to just be able to look at it and say, wow that is why I am doing what I am doing today and wow this is why I am the incredible, strong, and beautiful woman I am today.

At this moment God, I cannot help but praise you, glorify you, lift you up, shout thank you, shout hallelujah. You are the reason I am alive today…there are way too many times I should not have lived, but obviously I had not done all that was required of me. God if you keep forcing her back into our lives, so I can see that yes that could be me too; then I appreciate it and accept that. I don't want to get to a place where I cannot see that I have purpose and I have a mission to fulfill and until this is done, my work here on earth is not finished. I truly look forward to the day that I get to walk those golden roads, see the mansion You have prepared for me, and dance for My King in a way that I have never danced before. I know one day God, You are going to put me back into praise dancing and dancing for you, but honestly I look most forward to the day I get to dance for you in person.

I do not understand where this letter is going, I don't understand why it started out where it did, why it threaded to where it did, but I know I will understand at some point and I am okay with this. God at this point I just truly want to ask that You continue to light my path, continue to lead me down the road that I am supposed to travel upon, because I know by taking this first step in faith, what is supposed to lie ahead is there waiting for me and I look forward to the journey that is truly about to begin…

Journey of working through tragedy

Interesting place to be. Tragedy has once again come into our lives and because of who I am, it seems to affect me physically. I wonder how someone can have no heart, have no conscience, no feeling. How can someone walk into someone else's home, douse a person with gasoline, and light them on fire. So may lives are affected by this one heinous act. The one who has burns over 70% of her body, the victim's parents since they lived in the home too, the perpetrator, and the perpetrator's family, plus the numerous friends of both people. So many emotions going through that I found it is best to try and be numb, so I don't have an overload. I just want to scream, scream until I can't scream anymore, scream until all the pain is gone, scream until justice is served. Right now I am trying to lay everything down and give everything over to God, but it is so hard because I want to understand, understand such a horrible act of violence. My true and honest wish is for everyone to live in peace and harmony, but yet in 2010 that still seems as impossible as it did hundreds of years ago. So, right at this moment I just pray for my mind to shut off, for my obsession with this case to cease and for peace to come in.

Journey of Change

So I know it has been awhile since I have truly shared anything, but it is because I have been in this place of change. You have to understand, change is a very scary and difficult journey for me because I have never been one to embrace it, as a matter of fact, I have been the one who has ran the furthest from it. However, since I entered this point of my life, the point that I said the journey has to begin to turn, because I want the next 30 years of my life to be incredible, I have had to embrace a journey of change.

I am incredibly proud of myself right this moment because I took control over my life, my actions, and my reactions.

I have stood up, I am not carrying others, and I am taking power over my life. Due to this I am empowered.

I have resigned from a position that had become incredibly toxic for me. I loved who I served, but the office I am required to be in is so full of toxicities and negativity that it began to affect my health again. When this journey commenced I made a promise to myself that my health would be a priority, so the environment wants to tear it apart, I have to make the decision to say bye-bye, see you later…and that is what I have done. In the midst of me making the decision to resign and the reason it is a huge deal for me is because I took power, stood up to a male authority figure and said I am not going to take your crap anymore. A part of this is healing for me because the male authority figure in my life as a child, my father, was controlling, domineering, and horrible, but he intimidated me so much to the point that I lived up until now not being able to stand up to men in these kinds of positions. Well now, I am proud to say that I can and I will.

I am also proud of myself because I have chosen to not run…you see when things would get hard for me, I would just run, and run, and run, until I was out of danger. Things are incredibly hard at work now because I now know the truth about several people I work with and yet I have decided to face it head on, head up, and chin out. Exciting for me and a lesson.

Within all of this I have learned many lessons as well and I may write about those at some other point. However, the largest change is about to come for me. I have the official word that I am a graduate student at UTA. I will be attending there by myself. I will have no security blankets, only myself. This is a huge journey for me, but very exciting. I am the first person in 2 generations to go to college and the first woman to go to college in my family and now I am pursuing graduate work. This is absolutely amazing and blows my mind. I cannot help but be proud of myself and I have every right to be and every right to smile even bigger now because my journey is going further than I ever imagined it would go…

Be blessed!

FOR TODAY...

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

 

Outside my window...

Is a beautiful tree standing tall and proud.

Sun is shining so brightly, one cannot help but think of spring and how things undergo metamorphosis during this time of year.

I am thinking...

Of all the changes I have begun to make in my life and incredible it feels to have complete control and power over an undesirable situation in my life.

I am thankful for...

A God who never gave up on me and has showed me unconditional love even when I am so undeserving.

A beautiful wife who has also showed me unconditional love and support for the last eight years.

Beautiful friendships that have evolved and changed, including the ones who are no longer a part of my life because they have taught me so many important lessons along the way as well.

From the kitchen...

We have not done much cooking lately, but am grateful for the fun recipes I have to share with friends.

I am wearing...

A new dress with a black, gray, pink, green, and yellow peacock feather design, a green ¾ length sleeve sweater, and black gladiator sandals. I also have on black earring, a black crystal cross, my beloved wedding ring set, and my late grandmothers wedding ring.

I am creating...

A new life for myself.

I am going...

On a much needed 2 week vacation at the end of May with my wonderful wife and roommate.

I am reading...

The Source of My Strength (unsure of who the author is)

I am hoping...

That by following the plans that have been laid out for me I will find what has been willed for my life and true happiness.

I am hearing...

Fingers typing on keyboards, uplifting music, birds, and voices down the hall.

Around the house...

My backyard is becoming a haven and paradise thanks to all the hard work of my wife and our roommate. Our pond has been cleared out, we have plants in it, plants around it, begun our vegetable garden again, added chairs to actually sit outside and enjoy the beautiful weather!

One of my favorite things...

I love school and am looking forward to getting word on rather or not I am in the graduate program that I have applied to.

A few plans for the rest of the week:

Class tonight after work, luncheon for a committee meeting here at work, more work, and homework!

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

A picture of one of the most beautiful and wonderful people who has come into my life, my wife Laura!