The Journey of Adoption

Let me begin by saying that we lost our beloved Lab, Mercedes, last May and she was 18. Laura had had her for 17 years and saved her life because she had heartworm and had to undergo chemo. We also lost our beloved Pug, Piglet, last August and she was 13. This was like losing two of our children. Also, in October of 2006 I lost my mixed breed, Pouddles, who was 10 and I had her since I was 16.

I knew that I wanted a smaller dog, as I was calling them, a "purse puppy," but I had never had a dog since it was a puppy, so I knew this was going to be a journey for me. Laura and I have been discussing and I have been ready longer than her, because as much as I loved our Lab and Pug I had not had them as long, but it was still tough. I had told Laura that since I am turning 30 in July I would love to have one for my birthday, but she had said we would probably wait until Christmas. Needless to say I began looking at dogs on Craigslist and different types of breeds so I could figure out what would be best for me. I figured out I would need a breed that could be compassionate, loyal, loving, patient, understanding, and energetic. I wanted something that would help me during this time of healing because I am a big believer in the fact that an animal can be therapy for a person healing or going through depression and other things.

For some reason after Laura and I had lunch on Friday, she went to the Humane Society after dropping me off. She calls and says I think I found a dog that would be a good match for you and she is a puppy, she is only 2 months old. What she said next though, surprised me even more, there is a dog that is in the kennel above her that I really love. I went on the website and found a picture of the one she found for me but could not find a picture of the one she loved. (I even made her my background on my work computer because her face was so beautiful.) My co-worker was so awesome and let me leave work an hour early so I could go and look at her because she knew how badly I wanted a puppy.

I left and when we got there Laura first took me to the large and medium dogs, just so I could look and would not automatically make the decision on the one she found. Nothing connected with me. So, we went to the small dogs and I began at the opposite end of where she was and still nothing was connecting with me, but the moment I saw her, then held her, I knew she was the one. Then Laura showed me the one she loved, they say she is a lab mix, her coloring is a mixture of chocolate and black (Mercedes was chocolate). I could tell how much she loved this little girl. My girl, was a border collie mix (they said lab, but we think terrier), is white with beautiful characol spots all over her body, and her head is split down the middle with characol on either side. We definitely decided on her and first Laura went looked at an older black lab mix, took her out, but soon realized she was not the one for her. Next, we went back in took out my girl and the lab puppy who is also 2 months old and sat in the enclosed room with both to see how they would get along together. At first it was slow going. Then Laura looked at a Retriever/Lab puppy and we let him and my girl play and they seemed to play together a little more. But I was not in love with him like I was with the lab. So, we went and got the lab out again and let her and my girl play together...this time was like magic.

So, we adopted both. Laura did not think she was ready for another dog, especially a lab, but I knew this girl was special and there was a bond between them. Laura named her lab Darby Dae and I named my border collie mix Adele Dappy. The names have special meanings that fit both of our girls very well.

This was probably the best decision we could make, because now both of our girls will grow up together and have become so incredibly bonded in just a few days. They play so well and we even took them to the doggie park yesterday and they played with other dogs, but always knew where each other were. It was precious.

Both of these girls bring different things into our lives, but for both of us it is a type of healing. I will upload photos at some point.

I will always and continually support the Humane Society because there are so many dogs who need homes and we need to help those who have been dropped off and not help those who breed for their own good. Plus who knows what kind of bond one can make...you always will know when it is the right one for you!

A Week of Feats!

First, let me apologize: it has been awhile since my last blog…been a busy bee!

So, my newest journey is actually accomplishing something I started and something that is a huge next step in my journey.

I made application for Graduate School…everything is turned in…holy moly! However, I know I am worthy and so deserving of going further with my education. One thing I actually discovered while writing the 5 page narrative I had to write for the application is that I am the first woman to graduate from college in my family and the first person in 2 generations to graduate from college on my mother's side…that is a feat if I may say so! Especially when one of the mantra's that was planted into my head by my father was: you are just a girl and you will never be anything, all you will be good for is sex. So now what do you have to say me bastard?

I find it incredibly sad that I had to get onto such a journey to even fathom and truly understand how worthy I am of going as far as I possibly can with my education and also how much I have to offer the world, but I also know there is a reason in this as well. This for me is taking back some of the power that my old master (my father) tried to take away from me. I call him my old master because even though he has not been in my life physically for over 20 years I still allowed all the things he planted within me to be my master and to guide me in my life…no more…I am taking that power. I am truly discovering my Higher Power and understanding that I have a new way in life, a new compass, a new leader…I have power over my life and I am gaining self-confidence.

I will post my narrative that I wrote for grad school on here at some point for all who want to read to be able to read.

Another feat I have made in this last week is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and truly look at myself as a whole, not just my hair, not just my outfit, not just my make-up, but my whole self and I was able to tell myself for the first time that I love you and you are absolutely beautiful the way you are. Those were some of the hardest words to say, but damn it, I am beautiful and I don't care anymore what other people think because it does not matter. If people look at me and make a conscious choice to not give me a chance that is there lost, because I have a beautiful soul and I have so much to offer to so many people and the world. I am a wonderful friend to those who truly want to have a friendship with me…but if you aren't walking and making it a two-way street and are expecting only a one-way street, you will soon find yourself at a dead end, because no longer am I going to be the only walking down the street for people. Speaking of friends another feat this week was taking almost 30 people off of my facebook because they are "dead" weight….they never posted anything on my wall, never emailed me, never commented on anything I had to say, or anything, so guess what…bye, bye, bye…no longer going to carry you around.

One thing my counselor and I have been talking extensively about is me standing up and not carrying everything anymore…that was one of the first steps in doing that…and boy oh boy did it ever feel so good.

I am discovering that relationships are a great thing and I have a lot of love to give to myself and to others, but only if people are willing to reciprocate…I can't and won't carry everything any more.

I so love the fact that this journey lead me to a place of writing again because writing is one of my tools to staying healthy and it was time to unearth this tool and let things out again, so maybe my body will quit retaliating in physical ways…some of the things I say are painful, but I promise to always tell the truth.

Something I discovered in counseling tonight, yes I am healing; however, I am still not able to accept the things that happened to me as a child as experiences, instead they are realities to me. However, this is a huge step because even a month ago I was not able to say this was a reality to me…so I have come a long way in a very short time…I am so proud of myself.

I also know the 3 men who raped me as a teenager and the woman who kidnapped, raped, and tortured me in my early twenties are part of my reality, but again I am not able to accept these as experiences yet…I look at them from the outside and not from the inside. I have made myself as vulnerable as I can to this point…but have not been able to step past that line, but it is ok because everyone takes their own length of time to heal and has their own way of healing, even if they have guidance from a counselor. I accept and understand that I am at the very beginning of my healing process and I have a long road ahead, but what can one expect when I have 30 years of hell built up inside of my body? It is amazing that I am even walking and not bed ridden…it shows how strong my body is and how determined I am to change my history (herstory) and my realities and eventually my experiences. I am defying a lot of odds and plan to continue to defy these odds, I want people to see and people to understand that your past does not determine your future if you do not want it to. My next 30 years are going to be years of celebration, laughter, love, compassion, understanding, giving, taking, etc.

Everybody better hold on cause I know I have a whole lot of good to offer and through the power of education it is only going to make it stronger…one day you will be hearing my name because I have made changes that are for the betterment of others who are like myself and even though you hear my name don't think I will forget those who are there by my side, because if it weren't for you loving me and pushing me and accepting me, I would not be able to be in that place.

Blessings, peace, and love!

Took another step in my journey today

Today was like a milestone for me. I met up with my sister after not seeing her for 8 years. The last time we spoke was a very unfortunate event, her son had been murdered and as we all know the media has very bias and slanted views on what they report. I became very angry at the way my nephew was being portrayed and went on the news to defend him without realizing how much this would hurt or anger my sister, so the last time we spoke was her yelling at me out of frustration and anger. We have now reconnected, but both know it is the right time to reconnect. We are on similar paths, but at very different points in those paths and I will now get to have a big sister to lean on and depend upon when I am in need of comfort and for me that is very exciting. For those of you who do not know I grew up as an only child, but knew that I had an older sister and brother from my father's previous marriage. It was difficult growing up without contact because I longed for the relationships and the connections, but I now realize as an adult that it was not meant to be at the time.

It was so exciting speaking to my sister, woman to woman today…not only did I gain a sister but I gained a friend. My sister is fortunate in so many senses because our father left her mother when she was 18 months old, so she did not live through the same horrendous experiences I did. I did find out that our father was very abusive to her mother as well. It was so comforting for me to know that she acknowledges and respects the fact that my childhood reality is very different from her childhood reality. She was able to answer so many questions for me and that helped me tremendously. This step was huge because it meant that I actually looked into a part of my own self and my own history which I have done so much to ignore and run from in the past, but I am now finding it very healing to look at my personal history.

My sister has been on a journey of her own…I could not imagine facing the loss of two children like she has. She has also made some very powerful decisions for herself and it is so amazing to get the opportunity to look into such a beautiful woman's eyes, heart, soul, and mind. It was so nice to make such an incredible connection that I know will never be lost again.

The other step that was taken in my journey today was being led to someone who I have been questioning if it was worth my time to really try and allow them back into my life and quickly found out this person has not truly changed as they have claimed to and I am so grateful because now I know that I will not go through another cycle of pain and destruction with this person.

I am so grateful that I am being protected and those that are truly supposed to be in my life are and those who are not supposed to be allowed in my life are being withheld from my life.

Today has yet allowed me to see and believe that all paths and "coincidences" are for a reason, but we have to have our eyes, mind, heart, and soul open to see what is being shown to us.

This journey may have just begun but everyday a path is opened and shown to me because I took the first step in going into my own recovery from my own self destructive behaviors and into healing wounds that have only been scabbed over one too many times over the years. From this I want to encourage anyone who is choosing to read and follow my journey that if you are in need of something, take the first step and the rest will happen, probably not in your way, but in the way that your life is destined.

I am learning that I have an incredible destiny ahead of me and some beautiful paths to follow on this journey. Here is to continuing to let our heart's light shine brighter and brighter everyday! Blessings…

Randomness tonight

I am blogging because at this moment I feel that it may be one of the best things for me to do…

I am not understanding my body right now…I did not sleep well Wednesday night at the hospital (who does?) came home yesterday, took a 2 ½ to 3 hour nap and have been up ever since. Even being sleep deprived today I was in one of the best moods ever (that I can recall in some time) but yet here it is 10:40 pm and I am not ready to go to bed…

I do know in the midst of this craziness I have pinpointed where my anger started to come from…all of this will be in another blog at another point (right now I have to protect my privacy in some senses), I truly opened up with Laura about some things…so even in this crazed state my journey is continuing because things are becoming easier for me…I guess I truly am following the Buddhist and their belief of working on one's self to find the ultimate Nirvana…I don't know I cant even explain my feelings coherently right now because they just seem to come so easy to me.

Emotions are what I have always ran from, what I have hid from and now that I have opened that path and allowed them to flow they just want to flow like a rushing waterfall with an endless supply of water. Wow…I did not know such emotions existed in me…this is in a lot of senses a strange place for me…I know that I am vulnerable right now and I have never truly allowed myself to be vulnerable, especially to emotion…what is so hard for me though is there are so many emotions wanting to come out at once…I find myself questioning where does this come from, where does that come from, why this, why that? But I have to forget questioning because I have 30 years of emotion pent up inside of me…30 years of anger, pain, guilt, anguish, frustration, you name it, it is there. The chorus to Motherless Child by John Legend that states:

C'mon, C'mon
Who's got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don't know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child a long way from home
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I've been running to long

These words are exactly where I am right now.

I realize how many relationships are not what I think they are…but it is time to let that go because it is not my concern anymore…I cant continue to carry that burden.

I realize how much I really do need relationships…not one way relationships but two way relationships…I cant be the only person trying to make things work for friends any longer.

I am going to say it flat out right now…I may say things that hurt your feelings…but guess what I am going to be honest to who I am, to our relationships, and know that my reality may be a little different from yours and if you really care about me and I hurt your feelings then you will communicate back with me.

Thoughts are very random right now…work with me and this will work out and this part of the journey will eventually make sense along with the rest of the pieces of the puzzle…

Dystonia…a part of my journey

When I made the decision to do this blogging, I knew that I would be very open and honest about everything, but I never really considered how some of my health issues would come into play into this discussion until now. Also, I want people to understand this is not about a pity party for me, but instead a part of accepting who I am and healing wounds that have only been scabbed over and re-picked for years.

There are so many places to start, but I will begin with when I was 15 because this is when the true aspects of my psychiatric problems came to life. At the age of 15 I was dealing with a lot of issues and due to the fact that I was already a full fledge adult because my mother was not capable of being an adult in so many senses, I went into overload emotionally. Dealing with all the abuse I had endured as a child, dealing with a mother who was not fit to be a mother, dealing with a very dysfunctional family, dealing with sexual identity issues, dealing with being bullied and harassed, dealing with not fitting in, just dealing, my spirit finally broke. My way to deal with this was by ending my life and not dealing with any of it anymore. I took over 200 pills, was rushed to the hospital, amazed the doctors that I was still conscious, had my stomach pumped, said good-bye to my mother because the doctors did not think I was going to pull through, spent a few days in a hospital room under close supervision, then sent to the psychiatric ward of an adolescent unit, and lived to tell about it. I will say that I was at the end because I headed to the other side and was told to turn around, it was not my time to come home, I still had to many things to accomplish, to many lives to touch, and to many changes to make. However, it was not my place to question what those tasks were because they would be revealed to me at the time they were supposed to be revealed and I had to follow the ultimate plan laid out for my life. Did I completely heed this message? NO. As time went on, things got tough again and I would try again, not once, but several times….obviously none of them worked because I am here writing this story today for some purpose. Many questions arose for me from those experiences…I experienced such a horrible childhood and teenage years, why should I not be allowed to chose my time to go…I had had enough and did not want to face anymore pain, plain and simple. Obviously, we do not choose when it is our time to leave. I have come to believe and accept that we are all put here on earth to accomplish certain task and until those tasks are accomplished one does not get to leave. I know for many what I am about to say is controversial, but I also believe that for some suicide is the way some are supposed to go home, as horrible as it is, but it is because of my belief that there is a purpose in everything; birth, life, and death. I was at one point diagnosed bi-polar manic depressive, borderline personality disorder, severe anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. Since these diagnosis do too much research and work with doctors, there is a belief that bi-polar is the wrong diagnosis for me and instead I battle severe chronic depression along with all the other diagnoses.

I have been very blessed because in the midst of my own madness, my own running away from myself, I have found a life partner and supporter, my wife. We will celebrate eight years of being together this year, with six of those being a marriage. For her to accept some of the behaviors that I have exhibited because of not accepting and dealing with my issue; I am pretty damn lucky, if I may say so myself. I will not sit here and pretend that everything is perfect because it is not, but I could not ask for better support. I will now fast-forward to what is currently happening with me.

As of November 30^th, 2009 I have been diagnosed with the third most common movement disorder Dystonia. My battle truly began September 21^st, 2009 when we went to bed and I went to stretch like I do a lot before I get into my comfortable position for sleep and my body literally froze into the fetal position. Laura, being a retired massage therapist tried everything she knew to release my muscles, but after 10 minutes with no avail, she called 911. I was admitted to the hospital without anyone understanding what was going on with me. I had test, after test, after test ran, but no answers. I had specialists, after specialists, with no answers. All they could was send in physical therapy and occupational therapy because I needed to be able to go home. For the first 2 ½ days I laid in the hospital bed in the fetal position, having to be turned, fed, put on bed pans, etc, because I was no longer able to do anything for myself. Finally, I slowly began to "unfreeze" but that just meant that I could somewhat straighten my legs and my arms. My hands were locked into a closed fist position, my feet were curved in, and my toes were in all different directions. I had to learn how to feed myself again, how to put make-up on again, and how to walk again. When physical therapy began working with me and got me to the point where I could stand up, I stood on the outside of my feet and the turned in. My hands were loose enough to slide things in so I could somewhat hold on to things and start doing for myself again. My hands were the first thing that I was able to truly get use of again, because I would spend from September 29, 2009 until January 1, 2010 in a wheelchair. Through working with my neurologist (thanks to the physical therapy team I was placed with in outpatient care figuring out I had a movement disorder of some time and knew who to refer me to) we have come to learn my dystonia is actually caused by stress. So, again we are going back to all of the psych issues I have had in the past, but now my stress is very physical for me. For whatever reasons I am unable to tell when I am under too much stress until my body acts out. The other physical things that happen are: tremors (though this may be early-onset-Parkinsons), severe twitching, and chronic pain. So, I am blessed with working at a university because I get to have a paid week off at Spring Break and I thought I was doing good, but apparently from having bronchitis and walking pneumonia for 2 ½ weeks my body was weak and dystonia started fighting again this week. Sunday night I had an emergency call put into my doctor because I could feel that I was starting to freeze, by Monday I was worst, went to the emergency room, they did nothing but send me home, Tuesday I followed up with my doctor, still got worst, and by Wednesday I had to be admitted to the hospital via emergency room. What I have come to learn about dystonia is the fact that every patient who has it, has to have different treatments because it is very individualized, and I was following what the doctor was telling me and now we think it was actually making it worst instead of better…so now I am off of that regiment and a new regiment has begun, meaning a new journey has begun!

 

 

This moment…

I am finding something really fascinating at this moment.

I have always been one who believes things happen for reasons and sometimes we don't understand why until later, but this week in World Religions we studied Tao and their primary text Tao Te Ching. Tao literally translates to "way" or "path" and this is what Tao is all about, one's way or path. There are three specific meanings that go along with Tao, first, ultimate reality; second, way of the universe, ultimately transcendent, interconnectedness; third, way of human life when it meshes with the Tao of the universe. Basically because the Tao is ultimate reality it cannot be perceived or clearly conceived because it is too vast for human rationality to fathom. Because it is the way of the universe, it is the norm, the rhythm, driving power in all nature, and the ordering principle behind all life. Finally, it becomes way of human life because one is interconnected with the universe. (Huston Smith, The World Religions, pgs. 198-199)

I gave this background to come around to say I believe currently that because I am living with this principle (though did not realize it 100%) things that are currently happening in my life make so much sense.

Understand I am working on finding principles of different religions that I believe are valuable and finding a way to accept my God for who they are and living the best possible life…I do not know if this means that I will be taking several principles or if I will be finding a religion that I feel is right…that too is a part of my journey.

Let's take a moment a do some background information, so maybe there will be an understanding as to where I am coming from:

I am 29, soon to be 30, college graduate as of December 2009, married to an incredible woman named Laura, know there is a Higher Power (will explain more later), who has come to a fork in the road and has decided it is time to begin a true soul searching journey in my heart to understand why I am the way I am and to understand where things stem from.

The journey that began for me was I begin to experience incredible amounts of anger, unexplainable anger, and felt very out of control and knew it was time to face this and find out why everything was coming out in anger. I made the step and entered into counseling (not my first time at this rodeo, but I truly believe this is now the right time) and ended up with an incredible counselor who has already been able to find my triggers, understands my body language, understands how to provoke me (she is in my face and very confrontational, exactly what I need even though I hate it) and within the first session I learned things are coming out as anger because I have never truly allowed myself to grieve or feel the emotions of my childhood. I come from an incredibly abusive home; my father is an alcoholic, child sex offender, aggressive, hateful, sorry excuse for a man. I blew my counselor away when she asked me to share some of my story from the beginning and I very matter of factly and simply told her I was sexually abused, physically abused, and emotionally abused from the time I was incredibly young until my mother found the courage to leave when I was 8. She looked at me and said, "Why are you not angry about this, but angry about everything else? Should you not be angry about this and not accept this as an everyday fact? People do not deserve to be abused; people do not ask to be abused, etc." Duh, I am angry about all of these other things because I am so angry about what he has done that I have now accepted it as an everyday fact of my life. She looked at me and said, "get angry, get mad, cry, scream, do whatever you need to do to grieve that little girl." You know what is sad; I have to give myself permission to grieve…why? Because I discovered I have allowed my father to be my master and I am still living the way that he programmed me and trained me as a young girl.

That was the first part of this new journey, the second part of my journey is discovering what I am supposed to be doing for graduate school work. I have known that from the moment I was working on my undergrad that I would go on to get my graduate degree, but I had no idea as to what the path would be. I accepted the fact that I would take this semester off and research what my road might be. Low and behold right after I began the journey of counseling for my own voice, heart, mind, and soul; the graduate program I am supposed to enter appeared. I found a Master of Science in Social Work at UTA with an emphasis on Community and Administrative Practice and I found that they have a program that I can do all of my hours in a legislative field to learn advocacy and policy making. That means I am giving a voice to those who currently do not have a voice, but deserve to be heard.

How does this come into play with Tao and interconnectedness? I am finding my own voice to pass it on to those who need to be heard, but are currently being held silent. I became angry, facing why I am angry, finding a voice and giving it permission to be heard, to giving others a voice and finding ways to give them protection that they may not have had.

The other path this has lead me on is following some other passions and stepping forward to actually do some things that I have wanted to do for years, but keep putting them off. I am about to begin training to volunteer at a Woman's Shelter and also to become a Court Appointed Special Advocate for children who are being abused and neglected.

One final thing: it was reiterated to me in counseling that for the last 30 years I have been dog paddling, when I got tired I rolled over and floated; now it is time to swim, take long strokes, and find the shore. I am currently working on coming up with an acronym for SWIM that fits me, because we all have to find a way to SWIM. Swimming for me means not carrying anyone else, putting myself before others in a healthy manner, and taking responsibility for myself and my actions, but not very everyone else's around me.

Understand why I am starting this journey

Good morning...

I want to first give a background as to why I am beginning this blog and journey of my heart and soul. Even though I graduated in December of 2009, I chose to take some extra classes this semester because I work for Texas Wesleyan and knew I could get tuition waiver and since I had no idea as to what the best route was for me graduate school wise, so why leave class behind, instead let's take somethings that I have always wanted to take but never did. Anywho...

This semester I enrolled in a World Religion course, not knowing the path this would send me upon...I already knew I had a lot of questions about "religion" but did not realize I needed to read and study about other religious traditions to get to a point where I feel that I can truly question what I needed to question for myself.

Then I see a blog by someone I know discussing his journey and the questions he also has with understanding what to believe and not to believe. After responding to his blog and then getting his comments back I realized I needed to start blogging about my own journey. We cannot be the only two out there with questions and on a path of understanding, plus why not share with others my path because who knows what it may do for them.

With all of that said I will now begin to journal about a journey that has begun in my heart and soul...I am not going to make any promises of how often there will be posts because they will be done only at a time when I know it is right for me to write...

The only thing I ask if you chose to follow this blog and be a part of my journey, is to accept me 100% for who I am, allow me to have my own feelings, allow those who chose to comment to have their own feelings, and if for some reason something negative begins within you, explore it and try to understand and give voice to what that negativity may be about...begin a journey yourself possibly. Do not be afraid to ask me questions, do not be afraid to research anything I say about any religions and if you feel that I have stated something incorrectly please feel free to say so, but in a loving way. Bottom line...RESPECT...RESPECT...RESPECT.

I hope you enjoy this journey and I hope a journey may begin for you as well! Blessings to all...