A Week of Feats!

First, let me apologize: it has been awhile since my last blog…been a busy bee!

So, my newest journey is actually accomplishing something I started and something that is a huge next step in my journey.

I made application for Graduate School…everything is turned in…holy moly! However, I know I am worthy and so deserving of going further with my education. One thing I actually discovered while writing the 5 page narrative I had to write for the application is that I am the first woman to graduate from college in my family and the first person in 2 generations to graduate from college on my mother's side…that is a feat if I may say so! Especially when one of the mantra's that was planted into my head by my father was: you are just a girl and you will never be anything, all you will be good for is sex. So now what do you have to say me bastard?

I find it incredibly sad that I had to get onto such a journey to even fathom and truly understand how worthy I am of going as far as I possibly can with my education and also how much I have to offer the world, but I also know there is a reason in this as well. This for me is taking back some of the power that my old master (my father) tried to take away from me. I call him my old master because even though he has not been in my life physically for over 20 years I still allowed all the things he planted within me to be my master and to guide me in my life…no more…I am taking that power. I am truly discovering my Higher Power and understanding that I have a new way in life, a new compass, a new leader…I have power over my life and I am gaining self-confidence.

I will post my narrative that I wrote for grad school on here at some point for all who want to read to be able to read.

Another feat I have made in this last week is to be able to stand in front of a mirror and truly look at myself as a whole, not just my hair, not just my outfit, not just my make-up, but my whole self and I was able to tell myself for the first time that I love you and you are absolutely beautiful the way you are. Those were some of the hardest words to say, but damn it, I am beautiful and I don't care anymore what other people think because it does not matter. If people look at me and make a conscious choice to not give me a chance that is there lost, because I have a beautiful soul and I have so much to offer to so many people and the world. I am a wonderful friend to those who truly want to have a friendship with me…but if you aren't walking and making it a two-way street and are expecting only a one-way street, you will soon find yourself at a dead end, because no longer am I going to be the only walking down the street for people. Speaking of friends another feat this week was taking almost 30 people off of my facebook because they are "dead" weight….they never posted anything on my wall, never emailed me, never commented on anything I had to say, or anything, so guess what…bye, bye, bye…no longer going to carry you around.

One thing my counselor and I have been talking extensively about is me standing up and not carrying everything anymore…that was one of the first steps in doing that…and boy oh boy did it ever feel so good.

I am discovering that relationships are a great thing and I have a lot of love to give to myself and to others, but only if people are willing to reciprocate…I can't and won't carry everything any more.

I so love the fact that this journey lead me to a place of writing again because writing is one of my tools to staying healthy and it was time to unearth this tool and let things out again, so maybe my body will quit retaliating in physical ways…some of the things I say are painful, but I promise to always tell the truth.

Something I discovered in counseling tonight, yes I am healing; however, I am still not able to accept the things that happened to me as a child as experiences, instead they are realities to me. However, this is a huge step because even a month ago I was not able to say this was a reality to me…so I have come a long way in a very short time…I am so proud of myself.

I also know the 3 men who raped me as a teenager and the woman who kidnapped, raped, and tortured me in my early twenties are part of my reality, but again I am not able to accept these as experiences yet…I look at them from the outside and not from the inside. I have made myself as vulnerable as I can to this point…but have not been able to step past that line, but it is ok because everyone takes their own length of time to heal and has their own way of healing, even if they have guidance from a counselor. I accept and understand that I am at the very beginning of my healing process and I have a long road ahead, but what can one expect when I have 30 years of hell built up inside of my body? It is amazing that I am even walking and not bed ridden…it shows how strong my body is and how determined I am to change my history (herstory) and my realities and eventually my experiences. I am defying a lot of odds and plan to continue to defy these odds, I want people to see and people to understand that your past does not determine your future if you do not want it to. My next 30 years are going to be years of celebration, laughter, love, compassion, understanding, giving, taking, etc.

Everybody better hold on cause I know I have a whole lot of good to offer and through the power of education it is only going to make it stronger…one day you will be hearing my name because I have made changes that are for the betterment of others who are like myself and even though you hear my name don't think I will forget those who are there by my side, because if it weren't for you loving me and pushing me and accepting me, I would not be able to be in that place.

Blessings, peace, and love!