Randomness tonight

I am blogging because at this moment I feel that it may be one of the best things for me to do…

I am not understanding my body right now…I did not sleep well Wednesday night at the hospital (who does?) came home yesterday, took a 2 ½ to 3 hour nap and have been up ever since. Even being sleep deprived today I was in one of the best moods ever (that I can recall in some time) but yet here it is 10:40 pm and I am not ready to go to bed…

I do know in the midst of this craziness I have pinpointed where my anger started to come from…all of this will be in another blog at another point (right now I have to protect my privacy in some senses), I truly opened up with Laura about some things…so even in this crazed state my journey is continuing because things are becoming easier for me…I guess I truly am following the Buddhist and their belief of working on one's self to find the ultimate Nirvana…I don't know I cant even explain my feelings coherently right now because they just seem to come so easy to me.

Emotions are what I have always ran from, what I have hid from and now that I have opened that path and allowed them to flow they just want to flow like a rushing waterfall with an endless supply of water. Wow…I did not know such emotions existed in me…this is in a lot of senses a strange place for me…I know that I am vulnerable right now and I have never truly allowed myself to be vulnerable, especially to emotion…what is so hard for me though is there are so many emotions wanting to come out at once…I find myself questioning where does this come from, where does that come from, why this, why that? But I have to forget questioning because I have 30 years of emotion pent up inside of me…30 years of anger, pain, guilt, anguish, frustration, you name it, it is there. The chorus to Motherless Child by John Legend that states:

C'mon, C'mon
Who's got a shoulder when I need to cry
I feel restless and I don't know why
Cry for help, but still feel alone
Like a motherless child a long way from home
Lord I'm lost I can't find my way
I'm dealing with the struggles in my day to day
My soul is weak and I wanna be strong
I try to run away but I've been running to long

These words are exactly where I am right now.

I realize how many relationships are not what I think they are…but it is time to let that go because it is not my concern anymore…I cant continue to carry that burden.

I realize how much I really do need relationships…not one way relationships but two way relationships…I cant be the only person trying to make things work for friends any longer.

I am going to say it flat out right now…I may say things that hurt your feelings…but guess what I am going to be honest to who I am, to our relationships, and know that my reality may be a little different from yours and if you really care about me and I hurt your feelings then you will communicate back with me.

Thoughts are very random right now…work with me and this will work out and this part of the journey will eventually make sense along with the rest of the pieces of the puzzle…